That awkward moment when..

This fabled tale occurred several moons ago when I was once but a young lad who was getting by in life. My friend who I shall simply refer to as mac branning decided to invite me to a house party one evening and being in Brixton not much occurs on a Saturday night and I wasn’t going to chill outside the Morley’s chip shop like all the other wastemen did so I decide to come with and hit this house party.

So we travelled by bus to Thornton Heath the 250 route and go to this house party late but it was live there was no guys posing with their foot up on the wall screwing each other, no beef and no signs of anyone starting any form of drama its was to use some slang ‘Calm’.


There was this chick there I’m not going to name her so let’s just call her Shauna. She was at the age of 16 what you call amazing. She had a nice petite bum, perky breasts, long natural hair and a pretty face still the same traits I aim for till this day and I got that butterfly feeling in my stomach when I saw her.

I knew only the tightest game was acceptable in this dire situation so what did I do you want to know yes I went up to her and started grinding on her she had it and didn’t move so I was slightly gassed (Excited) even put my hands behind my head appearing nonchalant about the whole thing to my friend.

fat man swag

So the party is coming to a close and I got her number, spoke to her on the phone a few times and eventually went out with her on a few dates with the money I saved from working at Iceland (Acceptable Job at that age). So as would be it we eventually started getting to know each other more intimately as one would say and we spoke on the phone which in turn informed me that she was a virgin but was willing for me to be her first and she wanted me to take it the next day.

I don’t even think I slept and made my way to her house early in the morning I actually think I got up at 6am banged some weights, went for a run and drank a supermalt in preparation for the piece of wokage I was about to lay down.

nod of approcal

So we get to her house and she’s wearing fresh lingerie just bought from La Senza  I done all my pro mac daddy moves I learned from the Karma Sutra and gave her what I would call it an amazing first time. She called me up the same night and said she wants it’s again tomorrow. I had something important to do but can’t exactly remember what it was but I should have done that instead.

The next day she says we have to be quick and keep this under three hours otherwise my mum will come back and kick your teeth in to which I simply laughed when I should have listened. So we have the music playing and I’m having my way with her then her mum calls says she’s going elsewhere and we both thought this would give us more time to have fun.


So were in doggy style now and I’m being rabid wanting to get that nut but guess what.. Tatsumaki Senpu Kyaku ( the door to her room gets kicked open I jumped up thinking what the fuck and she dives under the covers her mum runs out the room.

She’s like you’re dead you’re fucking dead she’s going to kill you I’m sorry (My heart is currently pounding whilst getting dressed). The girls mum summons her to her room and I can hear talking at this point I’m thinking that I could possibly make a quick getaway and actually wish I did because it was now my turn to be summoned.

I walked into the girls mum room and the first lines out her mouth were “Do you think it’s acceptable to come to my house, stick your penis in my daughters vagina and proceed to have sex with her” this fucking girl snaked me and made it look like it was my idea I looked at the ground to think for a second and when I looked back up BAM!!! Consciousness suddenly fading and everything around me went black (Thought I was going to jail now) I didn’t completely pass out though as I could hear screaming and her mum talking.


I got back up and couldn’t see out my eye completely shut down by this girls mum but no she wasn’t done she started shouting “Leave my house now” I ran towards the door and she grabbed my t-shirt and ripped it clean off my back but there was nothing I could do so I just ran out her house.

When I finally got outside I searched my pockets, keys, wallet and phone were left on her bed but it was too much of a risk to attempt retrieval so I puffed my scrawny chest out like a pigeon and walked from Croydon to Brixton with no top on (Bus Drivers will never let you on if you have no money and or t-shirt).


Got back to my house and told my mum I got into a fight with some gang youths in Peckham because I would rather tell her that than have her bruck up this girl mums reality.

I would love to pretend there was a moral or meaning to this story but there fucking isn’t there is none I had sex with a chick got beaten up by her mum and walked home basically naked.. There is nothing to learn here sorry

This entry was posted in Adult, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Miscellaneous, Personal and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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